Not enough. Never enough. That is the way I feel most days, at some point or another. Sometimes it is as brief as thunderstorms in Florida summers, other times they settle in like the first rains of spring. Yes, I am lovely and talented, but it doesn’t take the edge off my own feelings of worthlessness when the storms settle in my mind.
Not good enough by far for the world that I have wanted so much acceptance from.
For a long time I have been battling these feelings. Ok most of my life. This war is not something that I can snap out of or get over. It isn’t about you or how good a friend you are. And smiling won’t make everything better, although I often smile through the rain. And I search the heavens for the silver lining, but sometimes there is too much gunk in the way to see it. And it isn’t because I don’t want to be happy.
Then I see some of the memes on the internet or Facebook and I get pissed. Trite sayings that equate to dime store philosophy offering a placebo for what is really bothering us in our lives. We all have issues, big and small ones. Only liars say they are issue free.
Real Men and Women memes nearly always exclude someone. Real women have curves memes exclude those who are genetically skinny and couldn’t gain an ounce if their life depended on it. My maternal grandmother was literally ninety-eight pounds soaking wet. She was definitely a real woman and the only curves she had were where her bones threatened to poke through her skin. Some women just don’t have them. Some men have more than I will ever have. Life’s problems can’t be solved with one line. No matter how clever the line.
People don’t decide to lose weight because you bash their size and they don’t find the person they are looking to spend the rest of their life with because you tell them someone is out there. Life is full of lessons and most of them are learned by getting out there and living.
One meme that really pisses me off is the one that says not to bother explaining yourself because your friends’ don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe. This one, when credited, has been credited to at least three different people. A similar meme credited to Paulo Coelho says “Don’t waste your time with explanations. People are going to hear what they want to hear.” The thing that bothers me is that I have heard people use this when they really did need to explain something. And the people closest to you sometimes need your words. Sometimes those words are the only thing they need.
Silence maybe golden, but you can’t buy much with it.
Yes, there are haters out there and if you are constantly explaining to someone maybe you need to look at how you are saying it and then look at their motives. But if the person is a friend then talk to them, communicate with them. Texting and emails don’t count. You can’t really connect over those and if you do, it might not be as clear as you think.
Miscommunication is one of the guaranteed ways to send me (and others) into an anxiety attack or activate the depression switch. Assume I know something, and refuse to clarify when asked, you leave me with the feeling that I am not worth that explanation and I am pretty sure I saw a meme that says I am.