A writer, a poet and all around book lover. I write for the same reason that I read, because it fills my life with joy and meaning. Books and a love of words has given me a career and once a trip abroad.
A dear friend suggested that I turn my love of books into this blog. So, here we are. As a full time teacher, you can expect me to do my homework and post at least once a week.
Coming into work, I saw a penny on the ground. It was tails up, bad luck. But then the words of one of my godfather’s rung in my ears, “Who am I tell the universe that I don’t need money?” Or abundance.
So I picked it up
That penny sat on my desk at home for a week and then it went into the coin jar. In a couple of months; maybe a year since I don’t use cash much, I will take all the coins out, roll them and make a trip inside the bank to deposit them.
The penny on the ground isn’t going to fill the jar. Nor is it going to get me out of debt or help me save for my next adventure on its own. Just like sitting down to write for ten minutes isn’t going to write my next novella. It will, however, help me get closer to those goals.
Because who I am to turn down the abundance and gifts of the universe? Like the gift of a quiet Sunday morning to write.
When I asked for a blog topic, this isn’t the one I was thinking of, but the one I was thinking was leading me down a self-indulgence path. Something I don’t need.
So here goes.
How I haven’t given up? Or How not to give up when the Universe keeps smacking you in the face.
This may not be the best advice, but it is what I got.
Are you really giving up, taking a break or walking away?
You need to define this. What does it mean to you? If giving up means ending your life then my friend, stop what you are doing and call 1-800-273-8255. Do it now. If you click on the link, there is even an on-line chat if making a phone call is too much.
Because you are precious to someone. Hell, you are precious to me.
Your life affects other lives. The Universe might not care, but you may be the universe to someone else.
Giving up on toxic and unhealthy relationship is healthy even if it is with family. Giving up on trying to please everyone is healthy.
What you may define as giving up may be resting for a day or a couple of days.
It may be approaching the problem from a different angle. Take a break from the weight of thoughts and come back at it with a fresh mind.
Or it may be deciding that what other people define as a problem isn’t one for you.
Sometimes, you can only do a little at a time. You may move more slowly than others. Sometimes, it isn’t your problem to begin with.
Feelings You Got Them
The statue in this photo is bowed down in grief. She is giving into her grief. Sometimes, I let myself do the same thing. Sometimes, I do give up, but not forever.
I let myself feel the things going through my mind. I let them run their course and then I look at what I can do next. If there is anything for me to do.
Today, I spent most of the day in between self-pity, a glass of wine and a severe lack of motivation. I weakly tried to get myself to do things by creating a list, secretly knowing even as my brain was telling to do that I won’t complete the list. And it isn’t done.
I did feel bad about it and then I thought about the weekend and where my thoughts have been for the last two days.
Friday, I found out that the arthritis in my knee is more severe than previously thought. All I can do is manage the pain and work to maintain movement until such time as it can be replaced. I’m forty-two. Replacement isn’t even an option for a decade or more. I felt like the universe was saying there was an answer to my problem, while at the same time denying me access to it.
I tried not to cry, but I eventually did. Several times. I talked it with my boyfriend, my family and friends and once I got the truth out of my tangled web of emotions I felt better. The truth that the real reason for the flood of emotions was that three weeks I had hope that the sudden increase in knee pain would be fixable. My doctor was hoping it would be as well. And it isn’t. I had to give up on the idea that there was a fix to this problem. Sometimes, you aren’t giving up by accepting there isn’t something to be fixed. It can take some time to do that.
Sometimes, you need to walk away.
Sometimes, you decided something isn’t for you.
Sometimes, you need to let yourself grieve for the idea of what could have been.
The days have grown dramatically shorter in my mountain home. The sun was setting as we walked the dogs. The Autumn Equinox is upon us and it at this time of year that I think of what I will banish my from my life. The idea is to banish something in the fall that holds me back from balance.
There are a lot of things on this list; debt, self-doubt, along with a few bad habits that no longer serve as even inadequate coping mechanisms.
The truth is that I have gotten to the point a lot of American’s do in their forty’s. I am talking about the middle aged crisis. Life has started to slow down or at least I have. The aches and pains have grown into MRI’s and iced knees after every walk. The weekends are too short to recover from the work week.
I haven’t been so lost and so happy at the same time. My home life isn’t perfect, but I love my family. I love the jokes we make and how we work together. I love my boyfriend and the freedom that our relationship gives me to be myself. A year into dating and it is only getting better.
Things are good and they are bad at the same time. An ex used to tell me that I needed to get my shit together. He meant it as an insult. But, The thing I realized is that adulthood is a continuous cycle of getting my shit together, watching and predicting obstacles, trying to avoid them and then the crash as everything comes down. Balance isn’t an easy thing. It requires a lot of re-balancing and adjustments. Yes, I do need to get my shit together just like everyone else.
No one has the perfect life.
I don’t have an answer for the one thing that is going to bring me closer to balance once I cast it out. This equinox, I think is going to be hectic.
Or maybe I do.
I think I will work on banishing the idea that I can do everything, that I should do everything and there is time to do everything. Writing is happening more and more. I am not writing as much as I would like, but progress is being made. Exercise is happening on a daily basis even if it is only walking the dogs. I am getting more sleep than in the past. My life is good. My art is developing.
The start of school this year as been harder than usual. I haven’t gotten much writing done in the last five weeks.
I haven’t gotten much done at all.
No going to the gym, keeping up with family or working around the house. I go in early and I leave late and nothing seems to get better.
And then there is the manuscript sitting on my desk. It is a sad and lonely thing waiting on its author to return. I can hear it crying at night; begging me for attention.
The stress monster took me down hard these last couple of weeks. My body clasping on the bed so many times with sheer exhaustion pushing me down. It creeps up and steals time and energy away from things I love and want to spend time on.
Friday was by far the worse. Friday, I cried at work. Friday, I came home and put myself to bed with a stress induced migraine. I had to cancel plans with old friends.
It is in ways a never ending battle between the stress monster and myself. I try to be proactive and plan, but if you have ever been in a classroom or even step outside your door in the morning, you know that planning doesn’t always workout. You also know that going without a plan also doesn’t work.
Planning helps keep down on the stress monster attacks and if you like my godfather has contingency plans which have contingency plans. This won’t stop the attacks, but it will lessen their power.
This weekend, I rested, did lots of self-care and was able to get my mind back in thinking order. Self-care is important. You need to keep taking care of yourself before and after attacks. Routines like walking the dogs and eating dinner with my family are all forms of self-care. They are like taking vitamins. Life is full of stress and if you think the only way to succeed is to never take care of yourself and just go go go, you might be superhuman or headed for burn out.
Push yourself, yes, but also take care of yourself. Mediate or pray, whichever feeds your soul daily. Yoga and going to the gym on a regular basis. Talk to and take part in the lives of your friends and family. My family life is incredible important to me. I make time for it as well as for my writing.
Last week, I didn’t make writing goal. This week, it is tempting to double the goal in order to catch up. Some sage writing advice from years ago warns against this and over the years, I have come to value it. Doubling the goal isn’t going to get me to a finished draft faster, it will just make me a little crazier and invite the stress monster. However, if I set a reasonable goal for the week ahead and I surpass it then I feel more accomplished.
You can’t get rid of stress or how much is piled on to you from day to day. You can change your reaction to it and take better care of yourself.
This week, my writing goal is to write five pages a day or 2,000 words. My fitness goal is to make it to the gym at least once and my work goal is to leave at 4:30 everyday if I don’t have a meeting planned.
As for the stress monster, I plan to combat him by getting a little more rest, drinking plenty of fluids and leaving my superhero cape in the closet.
Three movies, one weekend and one exhausted writer. Strangely, it was the exhaustion which enabled the movie watching along with Amazon Prime.
Movie 1: Late Night staring Emma Thompson, Mindy Kaling and John Lithgow.
This is the movie that started the spree. Emmy Thompson is on fire as the failing talk show, Katherine Newbury. She brings a lot of depth to the role. I loved see this character’s emotional development. While parts of it were disjointed and I wish they had done more with Mindy Kaling’s character, Molly, I enjoyed it. It left me with a sense of catharsis after a very stressful week. A feeling that no matter how badly I mess up there is a chance for redemption. It didn’t hurt that there were genuinely funny moments mixed with deeper emotions.
One reviewer didn’t like Molly’s romantic subplot calling it wispy, but I thought it fit. The story isn’t about Molly, it is about Katherine’s redemption. Katherine is unlikable in the beginning of the film. By the end, you are rooting for her success. I think were the writing when wrong was that from the start of the film you expected there to be more between develop in the relationship with Katherine and Molly. The film seemed like it was on two different tracks with these characters.
Overall, I loved the film and would watch it again.
Movie 2: Book Club staring Diane Keaton, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, and Mary Steenburgen.
Dianc Keaton and Candice Bergen are two of my favorite actors and I don’t think that Mary Steenburgen gets enough credit for her acting ability. She brings something to every film she is in that is unforgettable. This movie was no exception to that. Jane Fonda plays perhaps the most shallow of the bunch and has the most growth through out the film. Although it does take an intervention from her friends for her to final make the chance.
This is a chick flick that proves just because you are older doesn’t mean you life is over. The story line with Candice Bergen was the most surprising. Candice’s character is dealing with watching her ex-husband marry a woman half his age. Instead of going for revenge (which would be ill conceived as she initiated the divorce) or belittling the relationship, she wishes them well and gets on with her own life.
I loved this movie for being both unrealistic in the romance department (except for Mary Steenburgen’s storyline) and emotional validating that life isn’t over when you hit 60.
Movie Three – John Wick staring Keanu Reeves.
I watched this film mostly because some good friends of mine loved it and were raving about the third film that was recently released. I get it now. I really get it and will watch the rest of the series in time. Although, if anyone had told me the bit about the puppy, I probably won’t have watched it.
The take away from this film was don’t mess with someone’s puppy. Seriously, if anyone hurt Luke, I would go John Wick on them. It would be nice to have a body disposal service like in the film. And I would love to see a story or film about the day to day life of those cleaners.
This weekend was all about recharging although that wasn’t my intention at the start. I wanted to be productive and do things. I did do things. I did a big editing past on my next book, the Devil’s Due. The biggest one was to take care of myself. In doing so, I found myself reflecting on characters and storytelling. There were unpredictable elements in each of these films which made me love them. The characters were flat. And each one had a element of escapism that helped me step away from my stress for a time.
I write naked. I write semi-clothed and sometimes just in my little black robe.
The point is I write.
Sometimes I write with wine although this can be dangerous as if the muse doesn’t kick in quickly I end up with an empty bottle of wine and only a few dozen words to show for it. This is a bad thing.
Sometimes I write while watching a movie. I know that I have hit my groove when I get annoyed and pause it. Sometimes I zone in so deep I forgot all about whatever I have playing in the background.
I used to write at the restaurant down the street when I lived in Orlando. I loved it as it got me out of the house and since the manager was a friend often my writing time was fueled by complimentary wine. My goal in those early weeks was a 1,000 words a week.
I have also written in hospital waiting rooms, during my lunch break and when I can’t sleep. I didn’t write when I was sick, but I tried. I read books when I was awake, watched movies and when I felt a little better I took notes. I didn’t really stop for those four weeks so much as a paused so I could heal.
Currently, my goal is 400 words a day. It is the same number of words that Terry Pratchett wrote each day according to his friend, Neil Gaiman. 400 words a day is manageable even with my day job. I can write that in a hour or two, maybe less depending on how the inspiration is flowing. I am not a particularly fast writer.
The thing that I am working on is writing even when it isn’t flowing. Writing when conditions aren’t idea. Writing by pushing out the story regardless and not judging myself. Writing is always hard work.
Finishing what you start is the advice from other talent writer, Neil Gaiman. It may take some time. But finish it.
Do what it takes to write and to finish what you start.
Write naked if that is what works, it does for me.
If you’d like more information on Lucinda’s work subscribe to this blog, follow her on Twitter or like her page on Facebook. Her novella, Blood Child is available on Amazon. You can also find her on Instagram where she posts random pictures of critters and other adorably evil things.
I ran out of spoons on Monday when forces combined to make my normal day, mentally three times longer than usual. There were some physical challenges as well. All of which resulted in this writer feeling like she had been run over by a semi. A semi that backed up and did it again and again for three hours straight.
First, I went into to the day job on Sunday. Four or was it five hours later, I walked out the door without having accomplished what I had come to do. There was no time when I got home to commit to my normal self-care/maintenance. The morning rolled around and the list of undone things was weighting me down before I even got in the car for the drive down the hill; unknowing leaving the dogs unsecured which would lead to the demise of some unattended baked goods. I wouldn’t know about that until after my workday had ended.
The spoons ran out, because they aren’t limitless. No one has limitless amounts of energy in adulthood when it comes to doing our day to day tasks; especially people dealing with chronic illness. Think about your day and what exhausts you the most. Everyone has task they do that wear them out.Now, sprinkle some anxiety and depression and the number of spoons you have in a given day may not be as many as you think.
Even if I had been able to come home and do my thing on Sunday night, the spoons would have run out. No matter how carefully you take care of yourself, bad days are going to happen. It is like that expression, you can’t change how people treat you but you can’t change how you react. You can’t change the bad day,but you take care of yourself afterwards.
So Monday night, there was a detour on the way home to replace the baked goods and get a bottle of wine. After talking the dogs for a walk and declaring that I had no spoons left, I retreated upstairs. I did the bare minimum of writing work, mostly composing the first draft of this post, played some Minecraft and went to bed. Yesterday, I did much the same except for making sure that I took twenty-minutes to eat my lunch and compose myself before tackling the second half of my day. The day went much better, still exhausting, but better. We had pizza for dinner. Although I was prepared to make dinner as plan, I did not turn down the offer to eat out.
This morning, I woke up rested and feeling much better with eight hours of sleep under my belt. The day is going to be long. There is a meeting first thing and then the day gets into full swing. I may feel drained at the end of the day or I may be alright. Either way, there will be self-care tonight in the form of dinner with my family, a walk with the dogs and a glass of wine before curling up with a good book.
How do you take care of yourself? Is self-care a part of your daily routine?
Lucinda Rose is an author and teacher living and working in the mountains of Virginia. She is the author of Blood Child, a paranormal mystery and is working on her next project, Shadow’s Tale. You can follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagam.