There are always people who will make it work and those who will make excuses. A witless quote loving person might say in order to inspire others. The world is full of false inspiration wrapped in idol hope. Everywhere solutions promise to be the last one that you will ever need.
But need and want are the true enemies. And these one size all, no side effect, money back- guaranteed but you won’t need it because our product really works solutions do nothing for us in the end.
Once you solve one thing by placing a band-aid over a symptom, the more you crave the temporary relief and fear the work that comes with healing. The fear that comes when we start looking for the real problems.
We are all afraid. All of us.
And the stories that we need to hear are our own.
We need to speak out and let the fears that chain us in darkness see the light. And vice versa.
Too many people believe they live in the light, but dwell in darkness seeking always to blame those who thrive and bloom where they are planted.
Writing Blood Child was the easy part, even with all the editing. Dealing the fear and anxiety that has come with production has been the real struggle. There have been days that I have sat down to attempt to finish some small aspect of production and haven’t been able to do it. Just couldn’t make myself do it. The hardest part of it now is describing it and not feeling like it is another excuse. I want to call myself, lazy, but that isn’t it.
Then I begin to take away the smaller problems. A dirty house, a disorganized house, weeds in the garden and that grants me a little bit of focus to get what I need done. Not working for the summer, well, not working my main job has also helped. I am not stressed about going into work or the issues facing my school and students. Constant testing doesn’t always stress out kids. It also stresses out teachers.
This year, I worked three jobs. At the beginning of the year, I had more. All of it so that I could get far enough out of debt to go back to school and get into more debt. Crazy right? Crazy was trying to work my way out of a situation the same way that I came into it. Working night and day to get enough money to pay off bills all the while working so much can’t actually see where the money I make is going beyond the debt pile.
At the end of this month, I will have paid off another outstanding bill and I am finally facing the behaviors that got me where I am financially. Rushing to pay off bills only to put myself in the hole again when I don’t leave myself enough money to live on. Helping others before taking care of my responsibilities. Overspending because I “needed” this or that and then there is just plain bad luck. My car dying just as I got some money in the bank.
So where is the source of my problem? Somewhere in my own story which is wrapped in years of self-deception (lies) and self-depreciation.
And, it is the next story that I write. One that I am working on writing through my fiction and journaling. I know there is no band-aid to fix years of anxiety and depression. There is only the day to day fight and my firm believe that today is a better day than yesterday because I have made it so. And if it isn’t, then there is always tomorrow.