The work is hard, but I do it. I try to complain less and listen more. I try to do my best.
I try and do my best.
But, lately the work of my life seems to be bring me down. One of my students confided in me today that she just wanted her struggles to be over. I didn’t want to tell her that they were only beginning.
She is about to graduate from high school. Things are about to get real for her.
My students love me. I know this to be true. They may not always like me. Once or twice a year, a student will come in to the classroom and announce that we are no longer friends. That’s ok, I respond. I am good with being their teacher.
The one thing that bugs me. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is that they don’t see their teachers as a success.
All the complaints made by teachers (including myself) and the media about teacher pay have led them to believe that teaching isn’t a good career choice. The thing is even with a budget I am struggling to make ends meat. There are no summers off for me. I have to find work or go deeper into debt. Most of the time both things happen.
In the meantime between lesson planning and general life maintenance, I write. Lately the maintenance has been taking more and more of my time. The cold, I wrote about over a month ago never really went away. It is now a sinus infection.
My body pleads for sleep and my mind denies it.
The work has gotten muddled for me in politics. The politics of having male bosses with a mostly female workforce. Being denied a promotion because the principal likes people he can talk to. Not even granting me an interview for the position I worked so hard for.
Everything has gotten lost in my inability to find a way to make all the things work. Maybe I need to get a roommate again and give up the office that I took so long to create for myself. The office whose door is still undone.
Maybe it is time to give up writing and worrying about making it a career. I have my book. It has been moderately successful.
Maybe it is time to retired to an ordinary life. Not the one I attempt to live.
Maybe, but let’s be honest. I have never taken the easy road. I have been back down from a challenge without a plan to regroup.
This is where I am now.
Here in the muck.
And that is ok.
Writing is hard. Really hard. But it is always something that fills me with joy when I am not indulging the fraud police (thank you, Amanda Palmer for that and so much more). As does teaching.
Ignorance has I tell my students is not cute. You will learn things in this class whether you like to or not. It is a lot like life. You are going to learn something whether you intended to do so or not.
Good night all. Good luck in your work what ever it is.
P.S. . Check out my book, Blood Child, on Amazon.