Darn you… Disney…

We have achieved Kickstarter success and descended into teacher hell.

The good, the bad and the what the hell have all blended into one.  My heart still leaps for joy when I think about the having the money to give Blood Child a professional touch.  It really is a dream come true.

Then I go to work and my desk is over flowing with papers to grade, lesson plans waiting to be written and new standards staring me in the face.

Today, I was schooled at school for my bad attitude on interactive journals.  I am tired. So incredibly tired that the happy, go team go facade that everyone has come to rely on, is cracking.

Two weeks ago in the middle of all of this Papa said he wanted to start drinking again and I loss it. Cried in a meeting on interactive journals because I just couldn’t see how I could do one more thing and face my father drinking himself into an early grave.

But this is where the real work to make my dreams come true begins.

This is where I prove to myself that I can do it.

That I can live up to the hype I have allowed others to spread.

It is time to be the me that others see and that I have hoped really existed.

Thank you for giving me that opportunity.

Because I really do believe that it is a blessing.

That is the only way to make it though this nightmare of the everyday to the world where dreams come true.

I just wish Disney hadn’t made it all seem so easy.

 

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My New Challenge

Thirty days without soda and so far I haven’t retreated to the comforts of carbonation.  I feel better and today, my jeans glided on instead of being pulled and tugged while I contort myself into them.  I have been trying to think of what to work on for my next thirty day challenge.

I want to bring something into my life.

Saturday, I said goodbye to my friend, Krista, along with about sixty other souls.  We cried and laughed remembering the woman who touched each of us.  She was one of my mentors when I began teaching and the first to really get to know me and like me. I inherited her classroom and my magnificent classroom library got its start with the books she left behind.

She was a unique soul whose passion for life was undeniable. She loved to sing and at one point worked as a magician’s assistant. She gave up the road to provide a more stable home for her daughter and became a passionate advocate for students who found their way into her classroom.  I missed her last outing because I was tired.  Mentally tired. Exhausted. It really hasn’t gotten any better.

Once a upon a time, I wasn’t like this. Well not so much, but I had a better grasp on things and was able to flow more easily with life.  I don’t believe that life’s ups and downs should be label drama. Things maybe dramatic from time to time that doesn’t mean that they need the label  of Drama with a capital d.  Drama is for the stage not to manufacture by human beings when they feel bored or don’t know how to act.

Working with teenagers, I see and hear a lot of Drama on a daily basis. My former roommate was also fond of it.  Instead of talking to me about getting some of her rent or deposit back she has been getting others to talk to and threaten me.  Drama.

Drama. Drama.

Saturday, I was reminded that I also believe in living my life differently that beat of my life isn’t to be found in reacting but in acting.  Krista took mediation classes with me.  She listen to me. Now is my turn to listen and return to the beat of my heart and the rhythm of my breath as I take my place on the meditation cushion again.

Everyday for the next day thirty, I will be taking time to meditate. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Gratitude…

My absence from this blog hasn’t been intentional. Life of late has been running me more than me running with it.  My car broke down last week among other things. The tires on my bike keep deflating.  Despite the stresses, I have been writing daily and the coming year is going to be far more prosperous than the last one. The last two weekends I have been cleaning and resting; setting my physical world in order  as well as my mental one.

The lesson I have been dooming myself to repeat again and again is taking on too much.  This weekend, I didn’t go to work at all even though I was scheduled to do so.  I stayed home and last night had dinner with two old friends and their precious little girl.

We talked for hours after dinner everyone taking turns cuddling the little one. As the evening continued, I realized that these were people with whom I could and have been completely honest with.  They have been a consistent blessing in my life and their honesty a gift.

Reflecting on my best friends, I am so grateful for their honest presence in my life.  It is one of the things that keeps me going through the stresses of my life.  Little by little, day by day, I really am getting better at this thing called life.

All By Myself

Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home

Sitting alone in my house for the first time in months with no roommate expected back and I don’t know what do with myself.

My roomie is moving out by the first of the month.   It seems strange being alone in the house knowing that in a few short days my home will be all mine  again. I am happy and a little melancholy since I had just gotten used to sharing my space.  So, I am on my own again. It isn’t a bad thing, it is just a thing to adjust to and move with; not against.

Life is full changes. Some are handled better than others.

The time between Halloween (Samhain or the Celtic New Year) and New Year’s Day has become the time when I test drive my resolutions.  One of the resolutions is become a more discipline writer.  Another one is to become a better money manager.  The latter takes on a greater importance now that I will once again be the person solely responsible for the paying household bills. ( The kitty boys refuse to get jobs and Luke is still just a puppy, albeit a fifty pound one; still he isn’t capable of really holding down steady employment.)

Unemployed Puppy
Unemployed Puppy

Resolutions are goals that need to be planned for in order to achieve success.  Today’s events present an opportunity for such planning.

Blessings come in all forms.