Only a half day, thanks to my friend, Sonia. She is working the first half of the day and I am taking the second half. I would rather not work at all, but economically that isn’t a wise idea. As it is this month, I may be paying rent late. The life of a single teacher isn’t as glamorous as it may seem.
There are lots of things as a writer and a teacher that I would rather be doing than working. But I can’t do them all right now and have a roof over my head. So I do what I have to do the things I love in the moments in between.
Sometimes I get annoyed and want to give up.
Occasionally, I do.
And then after a few tears and some quality Luke cuddle time, I regain my senses and get back to work.
When I took the SAT and nearly all of my teacher certification test I reviewed but didn’t study. It wasn’t something I did in those days. I tried for the certification exams, but couldn’t make myself do it. I was rewarded for my lack of preparation with passing scores. I never had to retake any of them. Mind you I could have done so much better if I had studied.
Now, the GRE looms over me. And I am studying like my life depends on it.
Four days until I take the test.
A test that will determine whether I make my goal of beginning grad school this summer or if it is delayed. A test determines my future just like the FCAT and PERT shape the future of my students.
Irony, I hear you laughing.
I am panicked and nervous. My future based on a test. I can take it again if I don’t score high enough for another $187.00. I won’t be able to afford that until the school year begins again. So my entrance in to grad school would be delayed until the spring.
Goals are important. Measures of intelligence are important to society, the bar much be reached to go on to the next level. The cost associated with the bar is ridiclous. Society assumes that you have the money and if you have made mistakes and don’t well then try harder. You suck. It doesn’t matter why you don’t have the money all that matters is that you have it and can afford the next life step. I hate this. No matter how hard I work I can never cease to escape the power of the almighty dollar or my lack of financial aptitude. The pressure that is place on an individual trying to reach for their dreams is immense; especially when reminders of their mistakes swing back around faster than a boomerang.
And it is all worth it. Worth the struggle and the frustration. Do I wish things were easier? Yes, but wishing in a moment doesn’t mean that I actually want the world to work that way.
Sometimes the way the world works is the way it is suppose to work. Things don’t always need changing.
In the next year, I intend to start grad school and publish my first book. I may be on plan XYZ by then, but I am not stopping until I succeed.
But reaching for it and failing isn’t permanent unless I give up.
Thirty days without soda and so far I haven’t retreated to the comforts of carbonation. I feel better and today, my jeans glided on instead of being pulled and tugged while I contort myself into them. I have been trying to think of what to work on for my next thirty day challenge.
I want to bring something into my life.
Saturday, I said goodbye to my friend, Krista, along with about sixty other souls. We cried and laughed remembering the woman who touched each of us. She was one of my mentors when I began teaching and the first to really get to know me and like me. I inherited her classroom and my magnificent classroom library got its start with the books she left behind.
She was a unique soul whose passion for life was undeniable. She loved to sing and at one point worked as a magician’s assistant. She gave up the road to provide a more stable home for her daughter and became a passionate advocate for students who found their way into her classroom. I missed her last outing because I was tired. Mentally tired. Exhausted. It really hasn’t gotten any better.
Once a upon a time, I wasn’t like this. Well not so much, but I had a better grasp on things and was able to flow more easily with life. I don’t believe that life’s ups and downs should be label drama. Things maybe dramatic from time to time that doesn’t mean that they need the label of Drama with a capital d. Drama is for the stage not to manufacture by human beings when they feel bored or don’t know how to act.
Working with teenagers, I see and hear a lot of Drama on a daily basis. My former roommate was also fond of it. Instead of talking to me about getting some of her rent or deposit back she has been getting others to talk to and threaten me. Drama.
Saturday, I was reminded that I also believe in living my life differently that beat of my life isn’t to be found in reacting but in acting. Krista took mediation classes with me. She listen to me. Now is my turn to listen and return to the beat of my heart and the rhythm of my breath as I take my place on the meditation cushion again.
Everyday for the next day thirty, I will be taking time to meditate. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Getting ready to head out the door earlier than usual for the great FCAT test. My classroom has to be sanitized of anything which might help the students. Plus, there is paperwork, I need to complete for my evaluation. Oh, and then there is the mound of grading begging to be completed.
The life of a teacher and a writer are truly similar; there is always something you need to do and never enough time.