When I took the SAT and nearly all of my teacher certification test I reviewed but didn’t study. It wasn’t something I did in those days. I tried for the certification exams, but couldn’t make myself do it. I was rewarded for my lack of preparation with passing scores. I never had to retake any of them. Mind you I could have done so much better if I had studied.
Now, the GRE looms over me. And I am studying like my life depends on it.
Four days until I take the test.
A test that will determine whether I make my goal of beginning grad school this summer or if it is delayed. A test determines my future just like the FCAT and PERT shape the future of my students.
Irony, I hear you laughing.
I am panicked and nervous. My future based on a test. I can take it again if I don’t score high enough for another $187.00. I won’t be able to afford that until the school year begins again. So my entrance in to grad school would be delayed until the spring.
Goals are important. Measures of intelligence are important to society, the bar much be reached to go on to the next level. The cost associated with the bar is ridiclous. Society assumes that you have the money and if you have made mistakes and don’t well then try harder. You suck. It doesn’t matter why you don’t have the money all that matters is that you have it and can afford the next life step. I hate this. No matter how hard I work I can never cease to escape the power of the almighty dollar or my lack of financial aptitude. The pressure that is place on an individual trying to reach for their dreams is immense; especially when reminders of their mistakes swing back around faster than a boomerang.
And it is all worth it. Worth the struggle and the frustration. Do I wish things were easier? Yes, but wishing in a moment doesn’t mean that I actually want the world to work that way.
Sometimes the way the world works is the way it is suppose to work. Things don’t always need changing.
In the next year, I intend to start grad school and publish my first book. I may be on plan XYZ by then, but I am not stopping until I succeed.
But reaching for it and failing isn’t permanent unless I give up.