I am not ok. And I’m fine with that. There is no being ok. Not at the moment.

Ok is a foreign state of being. There is only doing what I need to do to get through the next minute, hour, day. I get by like this and the days have turned into weeks and months.

Moments of happiness are mixed with every other emotion. Each breath, each dawn a victory or a stalemate.

What is happening? In short, life. Life and all is wonderous maladies. May brought news of Ed’s passing. Here on the blog, I’ve called addressed him as Papi. He inspired me to start this blog and encouraged me to write. His death was a shock to my system. I don’t think I can sum up neatly what he meant to me or what I meant to him. Honestly, there is no need to try.

Grief comes in ill tempered waves with memory rocks in its path. A co-worker talked about getting over the death of a loved one. How?

How do you get pass the absence of someone who shaped your world? Trying feels like an insult to the memory of what was and the potential lost.

There would be no more random conversation or plans to reunite. There are no more morning or good night texts. No sharing of songs or images that invoked emotion. All of that is ended. His phone cut off months ago.

Adding to the tempest of grief is the reality of being a teacher in 2021 combined with the COVID-19 pandemic, student loans and family issues. The issues that lurk in my life have become volumes. I’m overworked and underpaid like much of America and doing my best to tread water. There is no comfort in the fact that everyone is overwhelmed. Everyone is in the same boat weathering the same tempest. Except no one told us about the whirl pool. Or the Hurricane on the horizon.

So, I am not okay. And I’m ok with it.

And just incase you think that I am remarkably stoic about all of this. You should check out Megan Devine’s book, It’s ok, not to be Ok. Her words and wisdom have helped me through this lost and the lost of my Papa, my stepfather. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as a return to normal or the expectation that life will ever be the same.

There, however, is the potential for a new normal and sunrises filled with joy unimaginable like the one I witness this morning.