You are something
Unique in the universe
There is truth in this
Believe or not believe
You are something
more than you
and blessed in the universe.
The day began with insomnia
drifted into lateness
and fell into despair
One found dead, the news feed reads
the reaper’s prize
sorrows grips friends
still other silent cheer the end of the road
two kids in a doctor’s office sick with the flu
two strangers cling to life
victims of happenstance
attended by the best
No news is good news or so the fellows say
No news is bad news worries the friends
Victory arrives late
lesson learned, acceptance obtained
a child born
new shoes, credit extended ,
then end of an abusive relationship
No clever words need
or cliques expressed
Just another day
the good with the bad
the bad with good
perspective the only means of definition
Sometimes I write bad poetry and sometimes I write stories that don’t make sense.
Sometimes I just write and write for hours in my head. Lately, I have been working really hard to set a schedule up for myself and it hasn’t been working really well. I did good up until last Thursday and then I fell off the writing wagon last Thursday and didn’t get back to it until today. Writers must write and they have to write things that sometimes scare them and push the boundaries. Something that I haven’t done a lot of in my own writing. I have tried to stick to safe topics so as not to offend people especially the people I love.
I have tried to be a pillar of strength, but really feel most days like I am falling apart and the duct tape isn’t sticking anymore. This past weekend, I looked back after a phone call from Momma and my sister, Tish, that I realized that my strength doesn’t come from being strong, but each and every time I got myself back up and kept going.
So I am back at it, but with a difference. I am going to write the stories I see around me. The ones that have been pleading with me to finish them. The ones that scare me. I will be finishing my April Page A Day posts and then going back to work on next book along with other projects. I want to have it finished by the end of summer and begin the editing process. There are two or three more books, I have notes for but I am going to focus on the one that began this journey.
My whole house seems so much brighter than it did a couple of hours ago. This week my normal manic Monday has been replaced by a gentle and well deserved break. I woke up with a book besides me and went out onto the porch to read and drink my morning tea. It was the perfect dreary day.
Then a story idea stuck and I let it take me on a three hour journey.
Now my house is a bit cleaner and I am contemplating a nap. Life has been really hectic this year and there are some big changes coming in my life. Changes I am making willing and some unwilling. I have come to the conclusion that I need more days like this where I am free to write and not being pulled in three or four different directions. I am still working three jobs and writing whenever where ever I can. Blood Child is still selling and reviews are slowly but surely coming in. (If you have had a chance to read it then please consider leaving a review on Amazon or Goodreads. Every review is helpful. )
The thing that I can do to help myself the most is not working until my brain is numb. This past week I worked seven days in a row and barely had the brain power to string together a complete sentence let a lone a paragraph. I can’t continue this pace. It simply isn’t health. My mind and body know it.
I have also come to the conclusion that all this work really hasn’t done me any good. I am only marginally better off than I was a year ago. Financial things are a little better and for that I am grateful. It is time though to think about what I really want. Eight years ago, I thought that I wanted to be a teacher for the rest of my life. I was excited about all the opportunities in front of me. That dreams was one that sustained me for so many years of self-imposed stupidity. I was going to do something with my life. I was going to give back and teach.
I had put an order dream aside. A dream I thought that I was unworthy of.
Being a writer.
Now, I know that I can do it. I just have to be willing to do it. Willing to crave out more days like these for myself. Willing to give up some income so that I can write and really work on the craft of writing. I saw this image on Alethea Kontis’ Facebook page and realized that I have known what it takes for years, but have been afraid. Afraid to give up what I have for what I want. I may never be a full time writer. Still I am happiest when I am writing or teaching. It is time to do more of what I love instead of acting out of fear.
If you’d like more information on Lucinda’s work subscribe to this blog, follow her on Twitter or like her page on Facebook. Her new novella, Blood Child is available on Amazon.
1. The cat has no problem being on the roof.
2. You are the one with the problem.
3. The cat doesn’t care. She is having a wonderful time.
4. It will seem insane, but if the cat got up, the cat get down herself.
5. Still you will try and you will fail.
6. Tuna is a good idea to try and coax the cat down or at least closer to you. The cat will use this as a way to torment you. Be prepared for these emotional games.
7. Going up on the roof is not a good idea at night, when it is windy or when your roof is thirty years old.
8. Cussing at the cat in a sweet tone will not work either.
9. When the cat comes down she will act as if nothing happened. Arguing with her is foolish just go pour yourself a glass of wine. It will be cheaper than therapy or getting a dog.
Nothing to see here. I wasn’t on the roof for indeterminate amount of time. I mean, meow…
Well, not really, but it sounds good, right. Today isn’t the first day of my next project. It the first day that I am returning to it after more than a month off. I didn’t write for a month. Yes, that is right, I didn’t write for over a month. I thought about it, but I didn’t do it. And I don’t feel bad about it. I am not beating myself up.
I work three jobs. There are days when I really don’t have the time.
Still a few days ago, I added about six hundred words but I was still going in the wrong direction. I didn’t like what I was writing or where it was going. I did my time at the keyboard and then left it there. Left it to stew for a while.
And it has sat, because I was no longer in love with the story. I still love Raelin, my protagonist, but the story that I began writing over three years ago has gotten messy, muddled and confusing. If it that way for me, then my potential readers wouldn’t enjoy it either. I have been doing a little research and realize that I had some major holes in the flow of the story. Those need to be patched and a direction plotted. My characters can feel free to run a muck once that is done.
I printed out a new copy of the draft. Ninety pages of my work. Over the next two weeks, I am going to read it and make some notes. Then, it is back to the key board. I have a goal in mind for how long the book will be in the end between 80,000 to 100,000 words and then I will begin the trimming. The thing is I still have to get there. And I only get there by writing day after day.
Today is the first day on my next project because today is the day that I am fall back in love with Raelin’s story.
Today is the day that I sit down at my keyboard day after day and write.
Writing isn’t easy, but it isn’t hard. You just have to put one word after another.
Today is the two year anniversary of my first blog posted.
When I began this blog on the advice of a friend, I didn’t know where it would lead me. I hope it would form the basis of a much larger writing career. This blog has been my laboratory. I have grown as a writer, not just someone planning to write one day.
Last year, the friend who encouraged me to start this blog moved back to New York to pursue his dreams and make a better life for himself and those he loves. It isn’t easy going in a new direction. It isn’t easy leaving friends and what you know behind. Words cannot describe how much I love and admire him. He is still taking risks for his dreams and seeing him take those risks and struggle with them makes it easier for me to the same and at the same time appreciate the stories behind the authors and artists that I admire. The words of encouragement that he has for me are so very precious. He doesn’t have to give them, but he does and I know that he encourages others out there who he believes in. It is an honor to have him in my life.
There are a lot of lessons that I have learned over the last two years and one of them is about my voice as a writer. As a teacher, I always want to educate people. Writing for me is a different kind of outlet and I find that my teacher voice doesn’t work well in my writing. I don’t like it when I use it. When I take on the voice of my characters, I fall in love with the stories I am writing.
I can’t tell stories like some of the authors I love, but I can tell them.
Blood Child will be birthed this fall come hell or high water; like many first children she is overdue but coming when the time is right. Timing has been perhaps one of my biggest lessons this year. You can’t wait until the timing is right to start a project and if you fret too much you will never get started; getting started is really the hardest part. Then you need to finish what you start.
Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for reading my words and giving me feedback.
There is one question that continually draws my ire. Are you ready? No, I am not.
I am not ready for school to begin in a week. I am not ready for tomorrow or the next day. They are coming anyway.
Time slips past me and deadlines always loom.
So I am not ready for today or tomorrow, but they are coming anyway.
Good news, bad news. It is coming and I will deal with it when it comes.
That may be too late, but some days that is the best that any of us can do.
Life has a way of complicating and un-winding itself all at once, which way it goes is up to the user. Sometimes a day goes both ways at once.
This summer, I have been struggling to finish my first book, make enough money to pay my bills, complete multiple on-line classes and work on other writing projects. I had this idea that I could finish a second book before August. I haven’t been doing very well or at least I don’t think so. What I was doing was moving slowly but surely forward.
Then the bottom fell out of my emotional world last Thursday. Everything seemed hopeless and I slid back into the depression that I have been fighting most of my adult life slammed into me. I struggled for most the day to get myself together.
My roommate’s husband tip-toed around me as the tears just poured out. I called the colleague who I am collaborating with on a unit plan and told her that I was sending her what I had and won’t be up to working on it anymore that day. It was hard, but I just couldn’t text what I needed to say. I donned thick sun-glasses and when out to run some errands including laundry which really couldn’t wait.
And that is when the narrative changed. My support system kicked in and even though I am still struggling to figure things out, I feel better equipped now to hand things then I did the last time I was spirit slammed by depression. And I am writing.
I am writing and I finished a chapter on a project entitled Eden, last night. It feels good.
My heart still aches and I know that depression is lurking ready to pounce, still, there is something to be said for throwing yourself into work at times like theses and trusting that some how everything will work out.